Is romance dead? Those of you who know me will know I am not exactly one for big romantic gestures but seriously, have some people completely forgotten the art of seduction?
Times have most definitely changed and we are living in a highly sexualised hook-up culture where casual sex is no longer seen as taboo. Women are much more open to exploring their sexuality, and so they fucking should be. We should all enjoy this time while we are still young and good-looking and not be made to feel guilty about it. But this is supposed to be an act of liberation, we want it to feel sexy and fun, not like we’re pieces of meat dangling in the butcher’s shop waiting for any old moron to pick us up...
Most of the time a hook-up is just a one night stand; therefore perhaps guys don’t think they have to try that hard since it’s not something they are going to care about come morning. But to get a girl to go home with you does require at least some conversational skills and basic diplomacy. Lack of these common skills could leave you going home alone (depending on how many tequila shots the girl in question has consumed, but that still doesn’t mean you know how to talk to women).
So, without further ado, I am going to share with you some of most ridiculous things guys have thought would be an okay thing to say to get me to sleep with them.
“SO, WANNA HOOK UP TONIGHT?”
Original.
This is not horrendous, but no effort has been put into this whatsoever. I don’t care how hot you are, I don’t care if you have an Australian accent, this is just plain lazy. Some guys clearly think they don’t have to do anything to seduce a woman other than be really really ridiculously good looking, but it’s just not going to cut it for me, thanks.
“ONCE YOU LET ME KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE THE AIDS WE CAN MEET UP THIS WEEKEND AND HAVE PROPER SEX”
Okay, so this one was said to a friend, but it’s too hilarious not to put on the list. Of course, sexual health should be taken very seriously, but the fact that he thought he would be having sex with her after this comment is just unbelievable.
This guy genuinely wanted WRITTEN EVIDENCE of a clean bill of sexual health, specifically confirming that she didn’t have “the aids” before having “proper sex” with her (for anyone who wasn’t sure, it’s only proper sex when you don’t have to use a condom, of course).
Fucking idiot.
Unless you’re planning on having regular sex with her (which certainly won’t be happening now you’ve accused her of having AIDS) this request is kind of unnecessary and just not sexy. Just use a fucking condom and be done with it for Christ’s sake. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
*HANDS ME 20€* “WANNA COME BACK TO MINE?”
I probably should explain that I had just lost my purse in the club, and I was upset and concerned about how I was going to make it home alive, but seriously? What the fuck dude? I am not a hooker, and no matter which way you look at it, you are basically offering me money in exchange for sex.
I would give you the benefit of the doubt for just trying to be nice in a twisted way, but to make it worse, we were standing in a corner of a dodgy club and the twenty you handed me was rolled up like you’d just been using it to snort lines of coke in the toilets or something. Which you probably had. Gross.
*CHUCKS BUSINESS CARD THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW OF MY MORNING AFTER CAB* “SEE YOU NEXT TIME”
This one was actually a post-hook up line which isn’t exactly terrible but just cocky and pretentious, and just like the previous one, kind of made me feel a bit like a hooker. Excuse me but who do you think you are, mate? Fucking Patrick Bateman?
Next you’ll be flexing your muscles in the mirror and wanting us to fuck to a Phil Collins CD (in that case I really won’t be coming back to your apartment). You certainly don’t look like Christian Bale so just shut the fuck up.
“I'M NOT GONNA LIE. I REALLY WANNA SMASH YOU TONIGHT” (IN A THICK GLASWEIGAN ACCENT)
Well, at least he’s honest, right? But when you’ve been drunk all day, pissed on my leg and called me Claire (don’t ask), then it’s a no from me. Stop lifting your kilt up and showing me your cock, it’s not big, and it’s not clever. And neither are you.
Good day, Sir.
So there you have it, real life words from real life men who think they’re the shit. They’re not the first, and I’m sure they won’t be the last. If you have any that you want to share with me, send them in so I can laugh at your terrible encounters with the opposite sex (that includes any that men have had from women, too!).
PS. If any of the men who said these things to me are reading this, please accept this article as a form of friendly banter. You tried; some of you may have even succeeded eventually once you’d learnt how to speak to me appropriately, so let’s not make it awkward, kay?